rice chex & blueberries

Rice Chex and Blueberries

My diet is currently “very clean” to aid some health issues. But since 10 PM last night, my thoughts (and dreams) have longed for a bowl of Rice Chex (the generic will do) with blueberries and almond milk.

Neither fruits nor any grains are “very clean”. Both convert to sugars in the body. So I’m not eating them.

What can I do with these feelings, though?

It’s been 11 hours of this longing. It seems like everything I read refers to food. In my mind’s eye, only pictures of this bowl appear. Blueberries floating in a pretty contrast to white criss-crosses of cereal, almond milk forming a cool background.

“Just sit” with these feelings.

What do I want from this bowl of food?

I want the COOL. It’s summer, I’ve completed a walk that leaves me over-heated and sticky, and I want something COOL.

I want the LIGHT. Rice Chex are light and crunchy. I don’t want chicken and a sweet potato this morning – too heavy. I don’t want yet another salad. How can salad feel heavy? But the very idea of a salad does feel “heavy” right now.

Don’t judge it. Don’t negate it. Don’t declare it “wrong” or “impossible” or “silly”. Just feel it.

Sweet? Do I want the sweet? It’s been several weeks now and my memory is getting fuzzy. I don’t remember blueberries tasting particularly sweet. Maybe a little. Maybe they’d taste sweeter after all this time having no sweets. But that’s not a strong longing. No, it’s not the sweet

Wait it out. It’s just a feeling. It will pass.

Is my body wanting these foods? Is it important to give it these foods? Has something changed and I SHOULD eat these foods?

“Just sit,” dear, “just sit.”

It feels like this longing will last forever. I should just go ahead and eat the bowl of crunch and cool. At least, I’d get some relief then.

Oh? Would I? What would it feel like AFTER I ate it?

Well, I’d feel – um – calm? Yeah, calm. It wouldn’t be this agitation.

So you have some agitation? Where is that?

Center. A column down the center of me. Chin to pelvic. A bar, steel maybe, dull silver color, like the post that holds up a stop sign. Same diameter as a sign post. But the muddy-wavesagitation extends out from the pole. The agitation is – well, agitated.   Rough, stirred up, opaque, like a mucky bottom coast when the waves are rough.

I want these foods because I want to feel calm.

So what I really want is the calm.

Evidently, I figured out long ago that some foods would result in that calm feeling. What else can give that calm feeling?

I’ll just say that for now, “I want that calm feeling.”

What that bowl would give me is an escape from the agitated feeling. The steel pole and agitation is uncomfortable.

I’ll tap on the Sore Spots a bit. No words. Just tap and feel.

My head wants to figure out what provokes the agitation, where the pole comes from.

Just tap and feel.

No need to “solve” anything. Just sit. Let be. Me, the agitation, the pole, the past, the provocation. No solution. Just let be.

A break here – I got some guacamole and ate it with slices of jicama. Tasted pretty good, actually. I made the guacamole yesterday. It has been in the fridge, so it was COOL. I sliced the jicama yesterday, too. The slices seemed crunchier than yesterday.

Cool and crunchy. Good stuff. On-my-food-plan stuff.

I don’t know if this counts as a “success” or a “failure”. I ate on the food plan once again. But did I resort to cool and crunchy to relieve the agitation? It IS time for breakfast. Time to eat something on the approved list. But have I learned a better way to relieve agitation than eating?

Or is that agitated feeling a part of hunger? Then it’s appropriate to eat for it?

peaceful blue personFor now, I’m simply relieved that I can get on with my day without a bowl of cereal plaguing my every thought. Just allow it to be.