Some days an insight is hard-earned.

RANT and TAP –
Dad is the source of most of my tappable issues
Dad is a hoarder who proves the ones on the show as putzes
Dad’s health is failing
Dad’s critical, negative attitudes have chased away most of the family

Dad wants to sell his home for necessary income
Dad’s gold coins were stolen from his home when
people/cousins came to help clear it
Dad’s sister, last of his nuclear family, just died

Dad needs to sell things on Craig’s list for income
Dad’s computer is barely operational

Dad doesn’t admit it, but death SCARES him
Dad wants to just drop over dead – avoid the failing health issues

Dad lives in Denver, I live in Chicago
I volunteered to post his stuff on Craig’s List

Mom’s health is failing
Sister’s business is failing
Brother’s heart transplant valve is reaching the end of it’s operational life
Other brother’s health is poor but he works himself hard
Niece’s brain tumor is back and spreading
Other sister’s carpal tunnel surgery will close her business for 6 weeks
Brother-in-law’s brain fluid shunt is a temporary fix
Daughter’s marriage is as rough as her dental problem
Sister-inlaw’s recovery from sepsis will devastate her finances
Mother-in-law’s plague on husband’s life will continue to deteriorate his own health

Don’t you see? I need to be STRONG
Wide and sturdy and steady and firm
As wide as a giant oak tree
Sheltering branches spread wide and far

Wide enough to withstand a storm
Broad enough to stand against tall waves
Thick enough to protect from onslaughts
Solid enough to bear tons of weight

I resent the man who plagued my childhood
I feel deep sympathy for his life-long pain
I fear his hoarding
I hate his negativity

I’m angry at his influence over my life
I resist his attitudes
I cringe at his language
I cry with his sadness

The burdens slump onto my shoulders
My back bends under their weight
My knees buckle and wobble
My feet grow slow and heavy

I need to be wide and stable
This is no time for fluff
Part of me cries for play and fun
But I shut her away unheard

I resent that I’m asked to make such a sacrifice
I resent that Dad needs so much
I resent that Mom taught me to do this
I resign to my fate

I AM wide and stable
I AM big and strong
I AM what others’ need me to be

Other Observations
I’m unworthy to have fun/beach/vacation/riches in my life
I’m not worth that much – they never thought so, so I’m not
It’s not “in my family” to have that

MOM is the only family member who
has succeeded in getting an enjoyment-centered life

She SITS still all day, every day
She’s my only role model of “leisure”, “self-enjoyment”
She’s overweight and diabetic

I think I want a more active, livelier goal
I find Mom’s life-style seductive, alluring
I don’t really believe active and leisure can co-exist
I see only WORK as active

I desperately want rest – lots of it
Down time, peacefulness, ease of living
I long to read for long stretches
To sit still and sidestep To Do Lists

I don’t believe my goal for each day can be ENJOY LIFE
But I’m attracted to the idea